The Owner's Guide to the Baltic State Units
by The Duchess of Cheese
Summary: Based off of LolliDictator's Guides, and as an apology for disappearing for so long.  First up: Estonia!


The Owner's Guide to the Baltic State Units

Chapter 1: So You've Bought an Estonia

A/N: This is my feeble attempt at an apology to Lollidictator for disappearing off the face of the Earth for several days (read: weeks). I got grounded for cussing my Latin teacher out. It was worth it. Also, I'm an idiot hoo kant spel. AND I'M SO SORRY, LOLLIDICTATOR! TAT

So, without further ado, I give you _The Owner's Guide to the Baltic State Units_ Chapter 1; So You've Bought an Estonia

**Eduard von Bock: User's Guide and Manual**

**Congratulations! ** You have just purchased and EDUARD VON BOCK unit from Pseudo-Hetalia Inc.! This Guide is designed to assist you in unlocking the full potential of your EDUARD VON BOCK unit. Please refer to this guide for any questions before contacting our Estonian branch at 5-9261-424-4443 (The first one who can tell me what this is gets a one-shot Hetalia yaoi fic of any pairing/rating!).

**Tech Specs:**

Name: Eduard von Bock. Will respond to Eduard, Estonia, or rather happily to Eesti or Eesti Vabariik.

Age: 18

Place of Manufacture: Tallinn, Estonia

Height: 5'11"

Weight: 185 lbs

Hair Color: Blonde

Eye Color: Blue

Length: Technologic

**EDUARD VON BOCK Units come equipped with:**

One (1) Pair of Glasses

One (1) Mac Book Air

Twelve (12) Bottles of Czecho-Slovakian Beer

Two (2) Power Suits

One (1) Copy of World of Warcraft

**Phases:**

Your EDUARD VON BOCK will pass through several phases as he grows:

LIVONIA: Your EDUARD VON BOCK will be especially chivalrous in this phase, though he may be slightly sexist, he will work hard to please others and will be especially kind to RAIVIS GALANTE units, suggesting that they join forces in an attempt to beat back the Germans and Danes. Note: Interaction with a GILBERT BIELSCHMIDT, LUDWIG BIELSCHMIDT, or DANMARK unit during this phase may prove fatal. PHI is not responsible for any damage/pillaging that occurs while EDUARD VON BOCK is in this phase.

REFORMATION: Your EDUARD VON BOCK unit will be especially resentful of FELIKS ŁUKASIEWICZ, TORIS LORAINITIS, or BERWALD OXENSTIERNA units, and will beseech all Tino Väinämöinen units to remove BERWALD OXENSTIERNA from his north. You may also note an increased amount of religious devotion during this phase. This is due, in part, to Martin Luther's reformation of the Church.

SOVIET TERRITORY: In this phase, your EDUARD VON BOCK will seek to avoid you at every turn and will only show up when called for, usually with food or some other item he thinks you may have wanted. While in this phase you may occasionally find him in a corner of his given room, rocking back and forth and murmuring about Nazis and Soviets. This is normal and, with enough time, effort, and love, it will cease and your EDUARD VON BOCK will pass on to his next phase. Note 1: For those wishing to prolong this phase, occasional contact with a RAIVIS GALANTE or TORIS LORAINITIS in SOVIET TERRITORY phase will reset your EDUARD VON BOCK unit to the beginning of this phase. Note 2: ANY CONTACT WITH AN IVAN BRAGINSKI DURING THIS PHASE MAY PROVE FATAL TO YOUR EDUARD VON BOCK UNIT!

REPUBLIC OF ESTONIA: CONGRATULATION! Your EDUARD VON BOCK unit is now fully grown! He will work hard to earn his keep in this phase, and will buzz about computers happily. EDUARD VON BOCK units will be especially friendly to RAIVIS GALANTE units, whom he believes to have six toes on each foot. EDUARD VON BOCK units will compete frequently and happily with Tino Väinämöinen units for the title of having the strangest festivals in the world.

**Programming:**

Your EDUARD VON BOCK unit can be programmed to perform different tasks including but not limited to:

PROGRAMMER: With a natural talent for technology, your EDUARD VON BOCK is guaranteed to make millions in no time selling his designs and programs to major corporations, or starting a few of his own.

ROCK STAR: EDUARD VON BOCK units' natural affinities for strange and powerful music make them the perfect candidates for the lead singer in any great band.

MAID: EDUARD VON BOCK units appreciate cleanliness, and like to keep their homes clean. They also look stunning in French maid outfits.

MULTI-BILLIONAIRE: Already fabulously wealthy? Your EDUARD VON BOCK will swiftly adjust to a cultured and lavish life style, and he will blend so seamlessly, it will seem as though he has always lived in the lap of luxury.

**Removal of you EDUARD VON BOCK unit from its packaging:**

While EDUARD VON BOCK units are not naturally violent, your unit may have been tossed around during shipping. For guaranteed safe removal follow one of these fail safe methods to remove your EDUARD VON BOCK from its packaging:

Method 1: Say 'Vabandust! Vabandust! Ma ei räägi palju eesti keelt,' (Pronounced: Va-ban-doost! Va-ban-doost! Ma aye rah-gee pal-yoo es-tee kelt.) (Translation: Sorry! Sorry! I don't speak much Estonian.) in the most apologetic voice you can manage. Your EDUARD VON BOCK unit will politely remove himself from the packaging and gush over how much better you Estonian is than the Russians'. Follow this up with a shy 'Tänan,' (Pronounced: Tahh-nan) (Translation: Thanks) and your unit will be so pleased you will be able to reprogram him directly.

Method 2: Chant 'kol kol kol kol kol' menacingly. The container will begin to tremble. You may now open the container and carefully remove your EDUARD VON BOCK unit from his packaging. Once he realizes you are not an IVAN BRAGINSKI unit, he will be so relieved that you will be able to reprogram him directly.

Method 3: Complain loudly that something is wrong with your computer. Your EDUARD VON BOCK unit will quickly and efficiently remove himself from the packaging and, while he's checking your computer for Malware and such, you may reprogram him.

If you are certain your EDUARD VON BOCK unit has been shipped correctly, you may simply remove him from the packaging and reprogram him directly.

**Reprogramming:**

Once your EDUARD VON BOCK unit has been removed from his packaging, you may reprogram him to any of the following settings:

_Intelligent (Default)_

_Kind (Default)_

_Frightened_

_Fierce_

_Drunk_

_Horny (Locked)_

_Psychotic (Locked)_

_Suicidal (Locked)_

Intelligent and Kind by default, your EDUARD VON BOCK unit will gladly assist you with any problem, big or small, that you may have. He will be amiable and more than willing to put up with the technologically impaired, finding their fumbling ways endearing and cute on a whole.

In the Frightened setting, your EDUARD VON BOCK unit will hide in his room, avoid you at all costs, and constantly mutter about Nazis/Soviets. Not to be confused with SOVIET PHASE, meeting an IVAN BRAGINSKI unit in any mode/phase/program setting, or a GILBERT BIELSCHMIDT/LUDWIG BIELSCHMIDT in NAZI TAKEOVER phase generally triggers this setting.

In Fierce setting, your unit will stand up to IVAN BRAGINSKI units without fear. This setting is generally available only at the end of SOVIET TERRITORY phase/at the beginning of REPUBLIC OF ESTONIA phase.

Your unit may become drunk, though it will take some time. In this setting, EDUARD VON BOCK units will either sing happily or get depressed and enter their Frightened setting.

Horny (Locked) setting is locked because, during his time as a SOVIET TERRITORY, EDUARD VON BOCK units were one of three partners IVAN BRAGINSKI units in SOVIET TAKEOVER phase took frequently, willing or otherwise. Therefore, EDUARD VON BOCK units are extremely shy partners. However, should you decide to take an EDUARD VON BOCK unit as a partner, treating them reverently the first few times will unlock this mode and make it easier to seduce them. Note 1: EDUARD VON BOCK units are naturally submissive, but can be made to dominate if given enough time and encouragement. Note 2: PHI is not responsible for any marital issues that arise due to the presence of an EDUARD VON BOCK unit.

Psychotic (Locked) setting is locked for a good reason. In this setting, EDUARD VON BOCK units become berserkers hell bent on destroying every IVAN BRAGINSKI unit they can find. IF YOUR UNIT SHOULD ENTER THIS SETTING, CALL THE ESTONIAN BRANCH OF PHI IMMEDIATELY AND FOLLOW THEIR INSTRUCTIONS TO THE LETTER!

Suicidal (Locked) setting can only be activated by introducing an EDUARD VON BOCK unit in SOVIET TERRITORY phase and on their Frightened setting to an IVAN BRAGINSKI in SOVIET TAKEOVER phase and on their Horny setting. Your unit may attempt suicide, but keeping your unit in the house for a few days and waiting on him hand and foot should bring him out of this, and potentially bypass the turbulent period between SOVIET TERRITORY phase and REPUBLIC OF ESTONIA phase. Note: It is not recommended to attempt to place your EDUARD VON BOCK unit in this phase. PHI is not responsible for the damages caused and will not replace any units lost, stolen, or damaged due to this phase.

**Relationships with other units:**

Your EDUARD VON BOCK unit has the ability to have special relationships with several other units of PHI's Nations of the World© Series, such as:

Tino Väinämöinen: Friendly competition between these two means that the potential for a yaoi paring is the highest here. Otherwise, interaction is still highly encouraged as these two units get along almost seamlessly.

RAIVIS GALANTE: Having once been the nation of Livonia with this unit, EDUARD VON BOCK units are extremely kind to these units, although the general opinion of a RAIVIS GALANTE unit is that he's dumber than a rock. Possible shota relationship.

TORIS LORAINITIS: Watching this unit be continually beaten down by IVAN BRAGINSKI units, EDUARD VON BOCK units are rather protective of them. They will care for injured TORIS LORAINITIS units without complaint, and while not quite as easy as with a Tino Väinämöinen unit, these two can easily for a relationship.

ALFRED F JONES: Though young, EDUARD VON BOCK units admire this unit's undying hope. These two will make friends quickly, and, given time, have the chance to form a yaoi relationship.

NOTE: These are only a few of the potential relationships that can be formed between an EDUARD VON BOCK unit and other units.

**Cleaning:**

EDUARD VON BOCK units generally prefer to bathe alone, but will allow you to bathe them while in SOVIET TERRITOY phase or on Frightened setting.

**Feeding:**

Having been starved during his time in SOVIET TERRITORY phase, EDUARD VON BOCK units will accept any food with a gracious attitude, but make your unit Estonian food from time to time – such as kissel, kama, rasolje, or pirukad – will keep your EDUARD VON BOCK unit happy and healthy.

**Rest:**

Your EDUARD VON BOCK unit will usually go to sleep around 10 or 11 PM and wake around 6 AM, but will follow other sleep schedules if it is requested that he do so.

**FAQ:**

My EDUARD VON BOCK unit is complaining that we don't have any salmiakki in the house. Also, he wears a cute white beret.

Woops! We sent you a Tino Väinämöinen unit by accident! Adorable and kind, these units are generally best friends with EDUARD VON BOCK units. Either send him back and we'll send you your EDUARD VON BOCK unit, or keep him and we'll send you his manual!

**Troubleshooting:**

My EDUARD VON BOCK unit has locked himself in his room playing World of Warcraft and he won't eat, sleep, wash, or even open the window for some air!

Uh-oh! Your EDUARD VON BOCK has entered his OBSESSIVE GAMER phase. The best thing you can do is turn off the power in your house. Your EDUARD VON BOCK unit may hate you for a while, but once he feels how nice it is to have a hot shower and a good meal he'll forgive you and possibly even thank you.

With enough love and care, your EDUARD VON BOCK unit will become one of the greatest and most lovable investments you've ever made!


End file.
